need gods strength

hey guys .. its been almost a month since i last blog.. been really busy with different things like results, cny celebration n preparation for mission...ya many have complianed tat i didnt update.. sorie guys... ya let mi fill u in on wat happened e 3 wks... e week where i got back my result.. I didnt noe how i felt at first cuz i felt to numb when i saw my result rather i was shock n soo i went ard comforting everyone else except myself i didnt even shed a tear when i got back my result... so during e evening I went for prayer meeting... then i went 2 e alter n i was praying for gods strength then god revealed tat i was esp vvv unhappy with my result instead i was more devasted then anyone else cuz i did well expect 4 math n i work extremely hard tat whole year. i tried really hard to control n hold back my tears i refused to break down but e more e lord showed e more i couldnt control so i juz kneeled at e alter ..it was really painful, i was juz saying ,lord how can u be soo cruel i want to live in denial y dun u juz let me do it, y did u reveal, y did u force me to see it.. so for e past few weeks , many have come along to ask abt my result n abt my plans...seroiusly i dun noe n dun wish to noe.. wana continue to live in denial-- i m too afraid to think--juz holding on to e appeal which is e only hope i have.. still am spiritually a bit down so i haven been meeting tia cuz am afaid she may bring me back to reality... juz wana assure myself tat my armor is vvv tight... ya i will be goin 4 mission 2 weeks later .. am seriosly very afraid..afraid tat i m nt prepared enough.. afraid tat my armor is not tight or secure enough.. afriad tat i will be an hindrance to e mission team bcuz of wat is happening esp with my result n my future.. afriad tat becuz of me my mission team will not be very effective in bringing out e full power which god wants to do... trying to keep up by praying daily for e mission.. juz trying to really catch up with them.. i feel tat i m e weakest among them so i m trying to strengthen myself..really need gods strength in my life. e lord ardy showed me that i m e weakest cuz on sun at ard 11 when i was praying for mission, i juz sensed such a lost in those ppl(segamet n jementah) like they dun noe wat they were doing then i started to picture a sch -- i dun noe n i started picturing ppl commiting sucide n dying then i felt soo afraid that i stop praying at e same time i felt e holy spirit coming so i tried to open my eyes to pray but tat feeling came again so it was ardy half an hour so i stop praying.. then i called vicky to ask wat happen so e devil was using spiritual attack on mi by giving me illusion to stop me from praying...i think i disappointed e lord cuz i gave in to e devil... wat Jfoo said was really true--- its really easy to say tat we wana stamp e devil dwn but when e devil really comes we become vv afriad.. when e devil comes it becomes soo hard to win victory over e devil..its easy to tok but wen it comes to doing it , its hard...... so u guys have to keep me in prayer...